TOPIC 1
The Illusion of Rescue
Letting go of the role of savior doesn’t mean we stop caring.
Growing up, I watched the people around me struggle—some financially, some physically, some emotionally, and some spiritually. Many seemed to battle everything at once, the very act of living feeling like an uphill fight. The ’90s in Russia were rife with hardship; struggle was everywhere. It broke my heart to witness the daily challenges faced by those I loved. I felt their pain, their frustration, and yet I was powerless to ease their burdens—I was only a child.
I couldn’t understand why anyone, especially good and hardworking people, had to endure such relentless hardship. Life, as I saw it at that time, felt random, harsh, and unfair. I thought to myself, Perhaps I am the one who can fix it. So, I made a silent promise: when I was finally old enough, I would fix everything that seemed so terribly broken. In the meantime, I just needed to stay a good girl, please everyone, pour forth my love and compassion, find a way to make loads of money (obviously), and all would be saved.
The Roots of My Savior Complex
Looking back, I see that my desire to rescue others didn’t just come from witnessing suffering—it was deeply rooted in my childhood experiences of excessive responsibility. From a young age, I felt I had to take care of others, to be the responsible one, "the bigger person", the emotional anchor. I learned that love often came with duty, and that my worth was tied to how much I could do for those around me.
I also unconsciously modeled my mother’s behavior. She was always giving, always sacrificing, always carrying more than her fair share. She put others before herself to the point of exhaustion. Without realizing it, I absorbed the belief that this was what love looked like—endless giving, self-sacrifice, and carrying other people’s burdens as my own.
Psychologically, this pattern is often linked to childhood experiences where a child is either parentified (forced to take on adult responsibilities too early) or learns that their value lies in being useful. It creates a subconscious belief that love and safety must be earned by meeting others' needs. Over time, this translates into the ‘savior complex’—a deep-seated compulsion to fix, rescue, or take responsibility for others’ struggles.
I also unconsciously modeled my mother’s behavior. She was always giving, always sacrificing, always carrying more than her fair share. She put others before herself to the point of exhaustion. Without realizing it, I absorbed the belief that this was what love looked like—endless giving, self-sacrifice, and carrying other people’s burdens as my own.
Psychologically, this pattern is often linked to childhood experiences where a child is either parentified (forced to take on adult responsibilities too early) or learns that their value lies in being useful. It creates a subconscious belief that love and safety must be earned by meeting others' needs. Over time, this translates into the ‘savior complex’—a deep-seated compulsion to fix, rescue, or take responsibility for others’ struggles.
I also unconsciously modeled my mother’s behavior. She was always giving, always sacrificing, always carrying more than her fair share.
The Illusion of Rescue
Through my late teens and half of my twenties, I kept trying to save others—sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. My intentions were pure: I wanted to help, to shield loved ones from pain. I poured my energy, time, and financial resources into others, often at the expense of my own well-being.
And yet, despite my best efforts, nothing truly changed. Those who struggled continued to struggle long after I stepped away. Some, even after receiving my help, still chose paths of self-destruction. Those who were truly ready to change did so on their own, with or without my intervention. The painful truth became clear: I could not save anyone who was not ready to save themselves.
The Power of Personal Responsibility
Many of us, after witnessing hardship, want to protect our loved ones from the pain we endured. We believe that if we just do enough, we can prevent their suffering. But more often than not, we rob them of their own power by trying to carry their burdens for them.
Each person comes into this life with their own journey, their own lessons to learn. We cannot do their inner work for them. When we step in as rescuers, we delay the inevitable lessons they need to experience. We may serve as a crutch, reinforcing the idea that they are too weak to stand on their own. But true transformation only happens when a person takes full responsibility for their own life.
Each person comes into this life with their own journey, their own lessons to learn. We cannot do their inner work for them. When we step in as rescuers, we delay the inevitable lessons they need to experience. We may serve as a crutch, reinforcing the idea that they are too weak to stand on their own. But true transformation only happens when a person takes full responsibility for their own life.
Reclaiming Our Own Power
When we stop trying to save others, we redirect that energy inward. We finally have the resources, the emotional space, and the clarity to reflect on our own healing and growth. At the same time, we must also recognize where we are waiting for someone else to save us. No one is coming to rescue us or fix our problems. That responsibility lies solely with us.
Someone may offer guidance, tools, or resources, but unless we are truly ready to take ownership of our choices, no external force can create lasting change. We must be willing to walk our own path, to take accountability, and to develop the strength to stand on our own two feet.
Someone may offer guidance, tools, or resources, but unless we are truly ready to take ownership of our choices, no external force can create lasting change. We must be willing to walk our own path, to take accountability, and to develop the strength to stand on our own two feet.
Letting Go, With Love
Letting go of the role of savior doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we shift our focus from rescuing to empowering. Instead of preventing struggles, we offer belief in others' ability to overcome them. Instead of fixing, we model what it means to take responsibility for our own lives.
Yes, it can be painful to watch someone we love stumble. But just like a child learning to walk, they must build their own strength through trial and error. Only then will they develop the confidence and resilience to navigate life on their own terms.
Yes, it can be painful to watch someone we love stumble. But just like a child learning to walk, they must build their own strength through trial and error. Only then will they develop the confidence and resilience to navigate life on their own terms.
Reflection Exercise
a) Take a moment to reflect: Is there someone in your life you are continuously worried about, trying to protect from hardships? How might stepping back actually empower them?
b) Are there ways in which you are still waiting for someone else to save you? Perhaps, you are placing too much power in the hands of god, the government, your “prince charming”? How can you take full ownership of your own growth and healing?
When we release the illusion that we can—or should—save others, we not only free them, but we free ourselves. Only through personal responsibility and self-love can we truly serve others—not as their savior, but as a guide leading by example.
b) Are there ways in which you are still waiting for someone else to save you? Perhaps, you are placing too much power in the hands of god, the government, your “prince charming”? How can you take full ownership of your own growth and healing?
When we release the illusion that we can—or should—save others, we not only free them, but we free ourselves. Only through personal responsibility and self-love can we truly serve others—not as their savior, but as a guide leading by example.
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